There is something that I need to be honest about. Actually two things. The first is that I have been fighting depression for most of my short life so far. At times, I can appear to be happy on the outside, but there is always something dragging me down. It isn’t the big things that bring me down, but they are the core of my problem; the fact that I have not worked a single day since June of 2005 is probably the biggest thing on my plate in the immediate present.
However, the biggest thing that brings me down is myself. I have very little self-confidence; and it’s usually something related to that which will bring me down. Ironically, the smaller the thing in the grand scheme, the worse I get. It’s just something ingraned in me.
It’s interesting; there is a commercial here that says “Who does depression hurt? Everybody.” This certainly is true; it might not be obvious to the one who is depressed, but the people around me can notice when I am down. Especially my best friend, who even told me that how I type is an indication of my mood.
I have always for some stupid reason – probably complacency, but it’s that nagging lack of self confidence – I have not been proactive in sorting myself out. I think another reason for that is because the prompting me to change has always been from outside sources. They know that changing myself would be for the best for me, and generally I agree; it would be the best for me to get myself sorted out and happy.
I remember having to go to counselling at the behest of the school, first at the county mental health offices, and then with a private counsellor. It was even to the point that I had to go take some kind of psychological test in the next county. I was labelled by the school when I was in the fifth grade as “emotionally unstable” and were intending on putting me into a special school because of that. It led to my mother threatening the school with a lawsuit and the threat of moving me to a “special” school ended (ironically, by the end of that year, I would end up being awarded a “Presidential” award for scholastic achievement).
In the 8th grade, I was told that I had to see a counsellor outside of school. He was your typical shrink, but he never really suggested anything that could help me aside from telling me to lose weight (which, admittedly I do need to do as it is something that contributes to my lack of self-confidence). He cost something like $100 per hour, and he really never gave that much of a discount. I went into this not at my own choosing, but because I was told I had no choice but to do it; I honestly think that because of this, I did not talk openly with him (plus he wasn’t a very friendly person in my eyes).
Somehow, I managed to get through high school without any of this happening; partly because there was something that I was really good at and where just about everyone liked me – the band. Of course, there were people who said I got where I ended up by being friends with the director, but it was because of my talent that I rose to the position I held (1st trumpet in the higest band thank you very much :)). Interestingly, there were some things that I didn’t like doing though, such as improvised solos in Jazz (where, as the 2nd trumpet, I ended up with a majority of the solos). I did have my own mess-ups sure, but we’re not all perfect, like the time when I suggested that we get things done by a certain day and everyone took it as an order to get it all done *that* day.
I pretty much stopped playing my trumpet the day that I left High School (something I shouldn’t have done, as I think I could have done well in the college band). Now, the main thing that keeps me going is baiting the lads in Africa, but even that has times which get me down; especially after I ended up in a situation where the people who I thought were my friends tried to get me to turn my back on my best friend. They still think it’s ok to (just because I didn’t stick to them) go ahead and attack me for being a friend of their supposed enemy, and claim that I’m just their mouthpiece. They don’t understand that those things hurt when it’s said. This is a fact that I’ve now come to accept and know that whatever good I do for the community (such as setting up the 419 mail blogs), they won’t appreciate it because they don’t like me. Really, it is their loss that I don’t contribute as much as I could (and did before they decided that I was somehow a problem).
Now, I am starting to become serious about changes to make in my life. For example, I am trying to start eating my meals in the kitchen instead of taking them with me to the computer. That way, I will probably eat less and there won’t be as much of a mess around me at the computer. Second is that I am going to take more time and just go outside – whether it’s to take a walk, do some yardwork, just more than going out for five minutes to get the mail and newspaper. The third thing that I want to do is to sign up for some volunteering tasks at places like the local Historical Society – that way I can put something on my resume and so that I can sharpen my skills once again in a working environment, to improve the chances of me getting actual work. The fourth thing that I’ve been told that I should do is to see someone to possibly get me on some antidepressants, and to get me some professional counselling. That is the hardest one for me because it requires me to do something that I am afraid of doing, and something that I’ve had a bad experience with in the past.
It’s going to be a long process, but it is something that needs to be done, not only for me, but for everyone around me. In fact, I think that this blog can help me as well because it is a place for me to vent my frustrations and to just say what I think needs to be said (of course, I reserve the right to hold some personal information, like my name and more specific information about where I live other than to say that I am in the 33rd largest metropolitan market in the USA, Southeastern Wisconsin).