About Letting it go

Note: This is a slightly edited (mostly for locational references) version of a post that I’ve made at Snoskred’s blog, Life in the Country… (I’ve never actually linked to you with the “proper” title ;))

Many of you have seen or commented on a recent post there – Letting Go.., about one of Snoskred’s friends who has been battling with depression for a long time. Well, I am that friend. In fact, I have been battling it for longer than eight months. It’s only been in this time that we have been working on getting myself sorted out. Up until now, it’s been a lot of going through the motions, ultimately leading me back to where I started. I’d even learned the “right” things to say to appease her and make it look like things were going well. Of course, that led to her having false hope in me, and ultimately to the point where I needed to be shocked into action. I needed a major wake-up call.

That call finally came on Tuesday, when a very bleak picture of my world was presented – one where I’d be on my own, with nobody caring about me and about turning my life around. It would be hell on earth for me. From there, I had two options – 1) wake up and start to act on making myself better, or 2) ignore it and go forth on my own, with no support. After we finished our discussion, I went for a walk and then posted about my commitment to change. Included in that post was something that I hadn’t done before – make myself accountable for my actions. I also posted a comment on Craig Harper’s blog about my commitment to change. If you’re not reading his blog, you really should – it’s a great source of information about how to go about improving yourself.

After that, I then read the Letting Go post over there. I knew right away that it was about me, and essentially reinforced that I had to make the choice – shape up or ship out. It sounds harsh to think of it that way, but that is what it is. I’ve used up my chances, and now it’s time to prove myself. It’s making the small steps that lead to big things. It’s committing myself to doing the things that we had discussed all the way back in November – such as seeking out professional help. It’s about breaking the cycle of yes, ok, I’ll do that, wait a couple of months without doing anything, back into the hole.

As Snos said in her comment that she made today – this post was the catalyst. I’ve gone to see a doctor and have received an unofficial diagnosis of dysthymia – a mild form of depression – one that, without treatment, can last for a very long time. I received some samples of an antidepressant and start taking one a day from tomorrow. I was also told to get a consultation with a counselor to start with counseling appointments.

It’s definitely a start, but it’s a long road and I know that there will be ups and downs. I need to keep myself honest and that starts with myself. I mentioned yesterday the Post-It® notes that have begun to surround my monitor. One of them says “I will hold myself accountable for following my plans”. Part of that is posting a photo from when I go out to walk; it’s also keeping you all updated on my progress via my weekly updates. I’d really appreciate it if you all would help me out with the accountability – it doesn’t have to be constant, but the odd reminder will not hurt. 🙂

Lastly, this wouldn’t have happened if Snos didn’t care about me – she could have said “Fine, you’re on your own” and let me spiral. However, it is like she said in one of her comments – we are there for each other – it’s not always emotional support – most of the time it’s just to shoot the breeze and share what’s going on with our lives, or to solve a problem that one of us is having with a program or site. Thanks for letting me post this over here 🙂

I am posting this here, and also at Sephy’s Platzish, my blog.


5 thoughts on “About Letting it go

  1. Breaking cycles, changing patterns – indeed.

    It’s really good you’re moving forward in an active manner. And it’s fantastic that friends – even way long-distance ones – help and motivate.

    Since “odd” is one of my specialties, I’ll be happy to join your reminder team.

  2. Hehe, I think we all need specialists in “odd” every once in a while…makes you feel more normal 😉

    That must be why I get caught up in Jerry Springer or Maury every once in a while 🙂

  3. My husband also suffers from depression, in his case clinical depression since about age 10, I’m just about ready to “let him spiral” (he gets me down) but after reading your comment on snoskred’s blog I’m going to keep trying to help him stay stable. Keep that forward motion going.

  4. While I haven’t been your most vocal supporter, I have been (and am) pulling for you to make some changes that positively affect your life. It can only come from you. I know how hard it is to do, but once you get started you will build momentum you’ll be off and running. I look forward to the new and improved Sephy.

  5. River – My best to you and your husband. I’m glad to know that my story serves as inspiration for others. As I’m learning, it’s a slow process, but every step does feel good.

    Anna – Thanks 🙂 I know you’ve got a lot on your plate so it’s no worries if you’re not the most vocal 🙂

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