This week’s Hump Day Hmm (hosted by Emily this week) is about a challenge I have faced and how it affects me and how I handle it.
I was planning to write about the changes I am making in my life – the walking, etc. – but as I was walking on Sunday, something kept happening to me. I kept thinking about how I supposedly couldn’t do things.
The thought hit me then and there that the challenge that I am truly facing is really huge – my persistently negative attitude and thoughts. I have always tended to put these thoughts into my head, and if I allow them to dominate my thinking, prevent me from bringing myself to my true potential.
I know that this will sound to some of you like I’m making an excuse for not trying to figure out where they come from, but they have been in my mind for so long that I do not know where they came from. I have faint memories of my grandfather saying that nobody was any good at anything (except himself of course). I also think that my one brother has something to do with it, because he has made a name for himself in his field and might wind up working in the Middle East (not in Iraq or on an oil rig in case you’re wondering) if things go well for him.
I’ve always looked up to him and, while we are both very intelligent, I have always thought of myself as inferior to him. In fact, I see myself as inferior to a lot of people; you might say that I have an inferiority complex, and that successes for me which I should celebrate are always put in my mind as things I could have done better at, or I see someone else who has done the same thing better than I have done it and I beat myself up over it.
This inferiority has been a part of me so long that for me to change it is difficult because I think I have grown accustomed to it and have put it in my head that it’s right to be down on myself. That is, I think, a major source of where my negative thoughts come from.
Something else contributing to the negativity is that I don’t give myself the reocgnition for things that I do. For example, I’ve taken an idea that a couple of us had to put scam emails out there on a blog, so that people could search for the contents of these mails, find the blog, and know that it is a scam.
As of the last time I looked at the stats, two of the blogs have had over 100,000 pageviews in just over a year, and 2,000 views since the first of this month. The others have had slightly less views, but are also successful in their own right. I thought nothing of it, but now I realize that this is something that I should definitely be proud of; and the greatest part is that I do nothing to keep them running – they are fed automatically by sending emails to a designated address, and automatically posting them to the blog.
Really, for me, some of this negativity also goes back to when I was working. I’ve discussed my story previously, but thinking about it, what happened was that because of, really, crossed messages – me wanting to get a start in life, and quite a few people in the office (my boss included) wanting to bignote themselves, it led to disaster. In the end, it led to heartbreak for me.
The same thing happened when I found a group of people who I was working with on some scam support projects. I thought that their motivation was to help potential victims, which was the motivation for most of us. However, it turns out that they were just wanting to bignote themselves, just like my boss and a lot of the coworkers I was with. I’ve stuck it out in, essentially, a hostile environment for well over a year, holding onto a hope that maybe they would finally change and see that I’m not the root of all evil.
However, the change never came along, and now I have made the determination that I have to take myself out of the equation, move on and put all the negative baggage from that behind me. I also never took the time to properly move away from the work situation, especially when you consider that I hear regularly about how the company is going.
Fortunately, I am going to be getting some professional counseling later on this month – the first “introductory” appointment is on the 23rd, and then the first actual counseling appointment is on the 31st. This negativity will be among the main issues that I will be talking about with the counselor.
I already have some tools to combat the negativity, the primary one being that if I sense a negative thought coming along, to forcibly replace it with a positive thought. It goes a bit like this – I start to think “I’m not any good at this”, then I say to myself “I am too good at this, stop it”. This goes on for a little while until the negative thought goes away.
Do you have other tools that can help with removing the negativity? Have you found yourself facing this same challenge in the past? If so, what have you done to rise above it?